I started crying in the card aisle today. I’m the best procrastinator and waited until this morning to buy a card. I found one that was perfect, for the mother I wish I had. I wanted to be able to buy the card and give it to my mother, but it wasn’t her. The card read, “she knows when to correct, and when to ignore”. That is not a quality my mother has. That is the exact opposite of my mother. “A mother who is there to lean on”. I’m the one there to be leaned on. I’m always the shoulder to cry on. I wanted to buy the card. I wanted to sign that card. But I’d be telling a lie. To her, to me.
The roller coaster begins. Slowly climbing up the track. Feeling the highest high, feeling and giving as much love as possible. Until something doesn’t happen exactly according to plan. No. When something doesn’t meet the expectations she has manifested. She begins to drop. With her arms stretched out grabbing every one in sight, she’s not going down alone. A snide comment. A dirty look. A short, cold tone. Sometimes a threat. We all begin the free fall down. Success and stability are her biggest threats, and she knows which scabs to pick. The wounds I’ve gathered through life, she begins to tear at. Until you can’t take anymore, until your beyond your breaking point. Once we’ve all crashed down to the lowest low. She’s done. She’s completed her task of throwing everyone off balance. She’s regained her control. Once again with her arms stretched wide and pulling everyone in the cart begins to click, click, upward. We’re soaring up. Compliments and encouragement. Love and laughter. Being spoiled with big expensive purchases. With each click higher on the roller coaster love fills the space of hatred, but fear looms where trust should reside. Knowing each notch higher, is one more higher to fall. It’s only one wrong comment, one unsatisfactory gift, a choice she doesn’t like before we’re all free falling and she’s causing the drop.
-Happy Mother’s day from a daughter who has a mother with Border Line Personality Disorder.
